You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
being pregnant is like rehab
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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