I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
