I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
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I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
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You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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