some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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