that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
