did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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