I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
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Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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