im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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