why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
