Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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