I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
