Rock
Scissors
Fuck
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
