In the future we'll all be gay
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
