I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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