I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We left the knife in your bed.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
