did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it glows. i had to have it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
