this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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