i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
