I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
