Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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