Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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