Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
