I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
