nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
