Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
