Kiss
Puke
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize