Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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