I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
