I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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