so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
