My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
