Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
