Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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