First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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