i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Sober January is a disaster.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
