i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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