it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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