tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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