omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
