I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Randomize
