My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just found puke in my bra..
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
