I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
