just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
