you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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