Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I party with great urgency now.
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