Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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