How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
