so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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