I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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