She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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