Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
