you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
