Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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