I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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