White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
