I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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