Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
