Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
