peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
there is glitter all over my balls
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