so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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