For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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