New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
